This story was about a boy named Sora who is asleep in the Karate Club. A girl named Hikari finds him asleep as she is trying to leave and wakes him up. They then have a conversation where Hikari learns that Sora is the boy who always challenges the captain to spar at practice. Sora always loses and Hikari wonders why he continues to challenge the captain. Sora explains that he was once bullied in school and that the captain helped him out. He wanted the captain to teach him to be stronger so he wouldn't have to depend on other people to save him. The captain eventually agreed to help Sora if Sora could beat him in a sparring match. The story ends the next day at practice when Sora and the captain, Ryu, are about to spar.
I think what is working the best is the storyline. Both characters want something at the beginning--Hikari wants to get home, Sora wants to sleep--but that changes through the story. We eventually find out that Sora really wants to be strong enough to beat the captain, and Hikari stops worrying so much about going home as she becomes more interested in Sora's story. Another thing that I think is working is the inherent irony behind the story. The irony is that Sora is trying to be strong enough to beat Ryu so that Ryu will teach him how to be strong. In essence, Ryu is already doing what Sora wants him to do.
I think the point of view might be adjusted a bit to work better. As it is, we have a limited third person narrator that sees into Hikari's thoughts but no one else. However, I think the story is really about Sora, so the focus on Hikari is misplaced. Also, there are a couple places where the dialogue seems stiff and unnatural. For example, "What sense does that make?" on page 4. Finally, I think that the story is interesting and the conflict is intriguing, but it could be explored in more depth. Right now, the treatment of it seems superficial.
Overall, I think the story is well written and interesting but could be improved by some thoughtful revisions.
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